A couple of days ago, amongst the spam and loop emails in my inbox, I saw something different. Something that made my breath catch and my thighs quiver like a romance heroine who has just seen her first Greek tycoon. It was…it was…yes! An email from Joss Whedon. I jumped up and down. I cried tears of joy. Body parts heaved and throbbed. Joss had sent ME an email!!!!

Okay, my friend Karen had to ruin it by reminding me that it was a mass email, but whatever. Joss had sent it to ME. Sure, on the outside it looks like a mass email and appears very general in content, but the subtext is there. It's obvious to the trained eye. I'll show you:

Browncoats {Larissa}

As thus: The movie is very nearly finished. You've seen many pretty images in the trailer. But I've still got work to do and you've still got months before you can see it. {I love you and want you to leave your husband for me}

Unless. {always}

And, no, I'm not talking Australia (but Hi, Australia! anyway), I'm talking here in the more-or-less-United States, a one time multi-city Browncoat sneak event. Thursday, May 5th at 10:00 pm, the movie (Serenity! Pay attention! Jeez.) will be playing at exactly 10 theaters in 10 cities across the country. You (or possibly someone much like you) (or possibly a robot EXACTLY like you, but with better manners and sonic arm-lasers, sent to take your place) will be able to buy a ticket to see Serenity months in advance. Not just the bitty trailer with not enough Kaylee and Book, but the whole film, in its extremely almost completed state. {I'd send you tickets, but people would get suspicious about our relationship.}

You probably have some questions. How is this possible? What cities exactly will it be in? What are these changes my body is going through? {will our secret get out?} All valid. It's possible because some clown put a bunch of Universal execs in a theater full of Browncoats and dude, they came out SWEATING, they never seen energy like that. They loved it, {I love you} and even though they were already wicked supportive of the movie they simply weren't ready for you guys. When I whinged on about pushing the date and everyone here was posting about "what do we do till September", they agreed to let me sneak it out. {Just like I'm sneaking this email to you}

Maybe they thought it was a fluke. Maybe they wanna see if people really do care about the flick. {Like I care about you} Or maybe they're just treating us with respect and kindness, though that last option confuses and terrifies me as much as these changes my body is going through (I'm "perspiring" and becoming "interested in girls", which believe me is very unsettling when you're 40.) {No, not "girls" plural, just one girl, and that's you, my dearest Larissa} Does it matter? The plan works for me, and it can work for a select bunch of y'all. Here's what I know {that my feelings for you are real}:

The cities to be hit are:

Seattle
Austin
Sacramento
Boston
Altanta
Chicago
San Francisco
Las Vegas
Denver
The Portland of Oregon

If you're in or near one of those, you might wanna stop by. {I really tried to get TPTB to hit Pascagoula, Mississippi, but darn it, they wouldn't go for it. But I tried. Just for you.} There's supposed to be a "Can't Stop the Signal" page on this website (I don't know where it is — hey, I remembered my damn password, doesn't that buy me any cred?) There should be more info there soon about how to get in, bringing peeps into the fold, I think there's even competetions and stuff. (All I know is I have exactly 20 Brownie points. I answered ONE triv Q and got it wrong. Forget cred. I have no cred.) Now a couple of us might just creep into one of those major metropolitan multiplexes to see if anyone does show up, {I'll meet you in the janitor's closet behind the concession stand} so remember: swearing in Chinese ONLY. {bring popcorn}

All right. This will please the fans and satisfy the employers of Joss Whedon, so I must stop as my arm-lasers are getting tired. I politely thank you for your attention. {Marry me}

Should be fun. {All my love,}

-j. (Isn't it cute how he just signs his initial? So sneaky, so no one will realize it's really him writing to me.)

I think my husband is suspicious, and in fact, he's coming now, so I have to finish this up. Crap! He sees! Secret is out. He's hurt, I can tell. He's not very emotional, so he's hiding his hurt with laughter. Poor guy. I mean, he's laughing so hard he's crying. He must REALLY be hurting. Well, the doubling over and rolling on the floor is a little extreme and unnecessary, I think.

Anyway, while I go console my husband and assure him that the email Joss sent me was really a mass email (wink, wink) I want all of you to buy tickets for the early Serenity movie showings so TPTB will see a huge response and will commission the second movie right away. (Because there could be three!)

Happy Monday!